Decision Time…

If I were overly dramatic, I would say: the time is upon us; it is zero hour; all systems are a go; it is now or never; the decision will change my life forever.

Maybe, I am that dramatic sometimes or try to be. But not now, now, I have one simple yes or no question in front of me.

To be honest, I did not think of the question early. It was Sunday when I first thought about it. Had that not happened, I probably would have doodled around until it was answered for me by time and lethargy.

Am I going to let this summer and fear take over my life and ruin a year maybe more where I spend time wallowing in doubts, or will I take risks push myself and grab for that golden ring of normalcy?

A long question answered with yes or no. Exceptions and explanations are not needed. Yes or no is the only part that will matter.

It would be easy to say yes. If I did nothing at all ‘yes’ would become the answer. It would be yes to my fears and doubts, yes to the lack of my inner strength, yes to being too tired to go. Yes takes little effort. It is not as if people could say a thing to my face. They could talk behind my back. Coworkers would whisper how I am just picking up a paycheck. Friends would think I am milking the sympathy. Relatives would believe I am a wimp/attention grabber. I could coast up to a year without pushing much.

I have taken the easy way before-many times. I have been known to turn and run at the sight of dogs. At 28, asking for a date is a Herculean effort. I do not play any sports choosing laziness over embarrassment. One more defeat in my lifetime would only further the trend.

I do have the option of saying ‘no’; I do not want this summer to extend into the next swimsuit season. I can force myself toward normalcy toward living by myself and working as before.

There have been times I have fought back. A semester was spent in heart failure. A relationship was started in a Chinese restaurant. Many of my success are muddied in the fact that they were done in ignorance or stupidity of the situation. To complete this epic, I must knowingly face the terror.

If I choose ‘no’, the road will not be straight and smooth. There will be times I will feel like giving up or worse that my health is in my head and my body is ill. Game plans must be written. Schedules must be set and revised. Goals need to be decided upon and then achieved. I must put all of my effort into it.

I am sure I want to be normal, and almost sure, I want to do the needed work. I am positive I do not want to use my heart as a crutch and scared about what would happen if I did not.

Ready aim, aim, aim, should I fire?