Meandering Thoughts and Fears Late at Night…


Last night, I lay on my back with my hands folded on my stomach. My left leg crossed over my right. My chest was still sore from the previous day’s eco. My heartbeat rose and fell with adrenaline rushes. Hopefully, the changes made to the pacemaker on Monday will help. I believe they have.

My position in bed copied how I lay on doctors’ tables waiting their examination. Over the years, I have learned to clear my schedule for these appointments. The stress of visiting a doc can be enough; I do not need to try to be anywhere anytime soon. I try to wait patiently. I try to be cheerful and pleasant. I try. I do not always succeed. But I try. I hope the staff understands I try.

My brain drifted towards sleep. I remembered how happy I was to wait for the dentist when I was in elementary school. My mom would always schedule my appointments in the morning, and depending on the wait, I would miss Religion and possibly Math.

I became sad that those days were gone. It was fun to smile and wait knowing you classmates were subjected to a quiz or lecture. Then I became frighten. Frighten that I would never have the joy of not entering a doctor’s office and it being a life-threatening thing. I was sad my childhood was over and scared that my self-sufficient one was as well.

I hope the doctor made the right change.