My Odyssey-A Spell

What does it feel like? That is what docs, friends, and family all want to know. Well, here it is the cut and dry of my existence.

Pro athletes talk about being in the zone: the point where the crowds, the coaches, the contracts and the pressure all fade away. A point where the game’s existence becomes so sharp and bright it eclipses the world’s existence. It is similar for me during a spell, only with negative results instead of a ticker tape parade.

It may start in several ways: a small amount of exercise, an extra heartbeat, some stress, or even entering a warm room. Though I never run a fever, my body radiates heat. My insides are an oven on low. The world closes in, and no longer can I concentrate on TV, conversation, etc. My palms and feet become clammy beyond any point I have ever seen them. My feet leave puddles of sweat on my flip-flops. It feels as if my heart rate is racing upwards; yet, my pulse rate remains normal. Like being in a sauna, I cannot draw a full breath. The doctors say my blood-oxygen level remains high and my respirations rise only slightly. Chest tightness is the least bothersome symptom; though, it feels as my torso has been bound by rope. Sometimes, I become a lightheaded or a little nauseous. These last symptoms occurred more frequently in the early spells than in the recent ones.

For hours, the spell continues: symptoms rising and falling. Moments of health are immersed with thoughts of immediate doom.

During this time, Israel fights in Lebanon; Talent campaigns; families eat at Ted Drew’s; people live their lives. I cannot see past my sweating hands.